Joke of the day!!!

A middle aged businessman is married to a hot young woman. He has to go on a business trip, the first since their wedding. He knows full well that there’s no way she can remain loyal while he’s away so he decided to go to the local Adult Toy Store to get something for her to pass the time with.

He explains his situation to the clerk and asks if there’s anything in the store that will keep his wife occupied for an entire week. The clerk starts to say something but quickly changes his mind and says that, no, there is nothing.

man: You were about to say something, please tell me what you were about to say!

clerk: Well, we’re really not suppose to say anything about it…

man: Honestly, money’s no object! If you can sell me something to keep her occupied for a week, I’ll pay you enough that you can retire tonight and buy your own island in the bahamas.

clerk: well, I suppose there’s no harm in showing you…

He pulls an old shoebox out from under the counter and opens it. Inside the man sees a regular looking rubber dildo.

clerk: Just watch this, sir. Voodoo Dick, the door!

the dildo flies out of the box and starts banging into the keyhole of the front door. The door is moaning and starts to crack down the middle before the clerk shouts “Voodoo Dick, the box!” The dildo flies back to the box and lies back down.

The man presents the Voodoo Dick to his wife right as he’s on his way out the door. “All you have to do is open this box and say “Voodoo Dick, my pussy!”. She promises to give it a try.

Ten minutes after he leaves, she catches herself checking out the pool boy and remembers her promise to her husband. She goes to her bedroom, opens the box and commands “Voodoo Dick, my pussy!”

She can’t believe the power and prowess of this magical dildo. She cums and cums and cums until five hours later she’s overcome with exhaustion. Unfortunately she can’t remember how to turn it off.

After a while, she decides to go to the hospital and have them surgically remove it. As you can imagine though, it’s hard to drive with a Voodoo Dick inside of you and of course she gets pulled over.

cop: Ma’am, have you been drinking?

woman: No officer, not a single OHMYGOD *excuse me* not a drop

cop: Do you realize how recklessly you were driving? Have you no excuse?

woman: Officer, I swear I’m driving the best I HOLY SHIT!!! *cough* the best I can.

cop: I ought to take you in as you don’t seem to be taking this seriously at all!

woman: The truth is, Officer, that I’m being attacked by a Voodoo Dick!

cop: HAH!! Voodoo Dick my ass!

Photo of the day!!!

After using a satchet of Alabukun to stay awake at night to read, I'm now in the office nodding my head. my eyes are soo heavy. Good morning peeps. 

#Mehn, @ our photo of the day........................#Mehn. Thats all I can say!!!

Joke of the day!!!

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Mehn, ko easy, ra ra!!!

Mehn!!! its now I know I'm writing exam!!! Seriously!!! 

Abeg una good afternoon oh. 

Long time no blog. Really missed this shit mehn. I've been off, cos I've been preparing for my accounting professional exams (ACCA). I wrote the first paper for this diet on monday, and mehn, wen I read the questions requirement, I was stonned with pure awesomeness (as my friend Oreva will say). As in ehn, I just started laughing, so that I wont cry. It was krazie. See me oh, I was underating Audit, cos I was thinking, as I could pass audit at the foundation level on the very first sitting, this would be pretty easy. I was sooo mistaken!!! Now I know what it means to be writing at the professional level. I tot I was well prepared. I think I was well prepared, I tink it was time constraint. I saw I had sooo much to do in so little time, and that made me rush the exam, trying to write as much as possible, and this made me do less thinking. By Gods grace, I have faith that I'll pass sha. These my sleepless nights under musquito and bathing outside wont be in vain!!! Amen!!!

I have two more papers to go, one on Monday, and another on Tuesday. By God's grace, both will be fine. For this, I aint completely back, I'm still MIA for the time being. 

Whats up?????

Hello dudes and dudetts!!! Whats up, how is ur day going??? Hope its as beautiful as the butterfly. Haha.

How re you'all holding up??? Hot afternoon right here in Nigeria, and it seems the clock is taking twice as much time to tick.......the day is sooo slow.......

Twelve days to exam, I have a whole lot to do, and I'm here blogging. Lol. I hope i am able to catch up mehn. I still have a whole lot to do. ?God help me.

I mentioned what my ex did to me, rite???? See it in my previous post here. Imagine, I guess she sensed that I was pissed. Yesterday, she sent me a text, congratulating me on my success in the interview, which I had previously told her about. I guess she is just looking for a means to strike up a conversation. Double yimu. Lol. I didnt reply her, I totally ignored the text. WTF does she even take me for sef??? Lol. 

A typical Nigerian wedding......

My brother posted that video on his Facebook page. Thats a typical yoruba wedding. Mehn!!! see money being spent naa!!! as in, Thats 2 plots of land in VI and house built to lintel level in the second floor of a beautiful duplex spent in one day!!! Oh mehn ehhhh!!! No wonder we Africans don't divorce like the whites do!!! When you thing of spending such amount on a second wedding, u go just forgive that wife. Lol. Mehn!!! God, pls take me to that level, my wedding go gel pass that one!!!

Seriously, a wedding is only done once, and if its only done once, its better done right!!! So, do all u can to make the day as memorable as possible, so that after then, u wont think back and have regrets on the things u have done, and the things u wish u had done.

Joke of the day!!!

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur’s youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom so long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer. If, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed. The question was, “What do women really want?”

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end. Arthur returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people told him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

Lol.......

You are 35yrs old, no job , no house , no car, no money ,NO FUTURE AMBITION, nothing to call your own, and you say you want a girl to love you for who you are......................................Please who are you?

Hello!!!

Good Morning peeps!!!

A quick word for today......saw it somewhere and liked it......

After a long time, you'll learn that:

''Surprises mean a lot than Promises''

''Kisses and Hugs mean a lot than sex: coz they show love and affection''

''Tears mean a lot than laughter and: Pride the first step of falling back''

You'll learn that

''Love controls everything, and hatred means nothing,

you'll find more happiness in Forgiveness and More guilt in Revenge''

And on that day, thats when you will learn that: 

''God, had no intension to make you suffer, but only ur hatred is responsible for every tear that you shed''

You all should have a nice day!!!

Top 5 lies about Marriage

Marriage is often seen as fix-all - dreamy singles think it will make them happy, restless men and women think it will make them feel complete. We take apart the five most popular cons that mar marriage.

I won't be lonely
Being lonely or having company has nothing to do with getting married. Many loners remain so even after marriage. A long-suffering woman shared her woes, she said that though she was married, she was always lonely. "I never felt that we shared anything. When I spoke, he heard but never listened. On holidays, I never felt that we were together." Those who are lonely and feel that marriage will be a solution, need to analyse and identify what they are feeling.

Happy weekend peeps!!!

 

Happy weekend y'all.

 

Whats up and how are you spending this weekend???? For me, its been a very hectic day at work today. Imagine, we are supposed to close by 5:00, its 4:40 pm and the rain has started falling, heavily. haven't been a nice day for me.

 

How was your week??? For me, its been a week to remember. On Monday, I said I was going for an interview on Tuesday, rite?? Well, I did. Travelled from PH to Owerri for it, came back that same day, and trust me, I sure gave them hell!!! lol. I wasnt scared of if I'll be taken of not, I was only skeptical, not sure if this is what I want for myself.

Well, yesterday afternoon, I got a text from them, that I was successful, and I will be contacted soonest. meaning, all that stands between me and the job is just Medicals. I give all glory unto God, because it is only by his grace was that made possible.

 

More on my intresting week and boring weekend after the cut......lol.

Somthing to think about in ur spare time......

 

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT IN YOUR SPARE TIME:

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats."

But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job."

Moral of the story: Quality work is never appreciated.

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

 

Soo funny. Read em after the cut.....

Mc. Dabiz: The secret of lasting and happy relationship.

SECRET OF LASTING AND HAPPY RELATIONSHIP

By Mc Dabiz:

1. Not all relationships must lead to marriage. Some relationships are for a reason, others are for a season only few are for a life time. If it doesn't work out don't kill yourself because it was for something. Discover the purpose and move on.

2. Don't give a man or a woman the totality of your heart before giving the totality of your heart to God. Love that person but put God first.

3. Don't get carried away with beauty or money. If that person's inner person cannot keep you, his money or her beauty cannot either.

4. Love is never enough; understanding, compatibility, wisdom, patience and tolerance are equally important.

Preach Preacher!!! But seriously, he is sooo right!!! More when you continue.

Beer vs. Veejayjay

BEER vs VAGINA

1. Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work. One point to the BEER.

2. Warm beer tastes awful. One point to VAGINA.

3. A really cold beer is satisfying. One point to BEER.

4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit. One point to VAGINA.

5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. IT'S A DRAW for the time being.

6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere. One point to VAGINA.

7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any p***y in public, you become a legend. One point to VAGINA.
Lmao. More when you continue.

Hmmmmm........that EX.....

Studies have shown that in many marriages the first issue doesn't belong to the husband. When I heard this I was shocked and I doubted it. Then I heard stories. Well I will advise men to be watchful so you don't end up raising another man's kids out of ignorance. If you want to raise them let it be by choice and not due to deceit on part of the wife.

Well, in many cases, weeks to the wedding or days to the wedding the bride receives a call from her ex begging to see her b4 she finally becomes a Mrs. Or he calls to tell her to come give him the invitation card personally that since they go way back that he needs a face-to-face invitation. The lady after considering it maybe then agrees to go and see him. The venue would probably be his house. On getting there, they would reminisce over old times and laugh and then the guy starts crying.

Crying and explaining how he was going to miss her and then the lady joins and you know a woman's greatest aphrodisiac is when she is emotionally down. They start from kissing and then clothes starts flying and such intercourses almost never takes place with protection.

The woman gets pregnant and since the act took place days or weeks b4 the wedding the assumption by the husband would be that he is responsible. He ends up taking care of another man's baby not out of choice but out of ignorance.

Ladies, please when you say yes to a man's proposal and the wedding date has been fixed please forget visiting your ex for the last time cuz more often than not it leads to sex. Some even go there with the intention of having one last hot sex. I know of a lady that left for her wedding venue from her ex bf's apartment. E no make sense nah. Please let's avoid stories that touch. If he asks for a face-to-face invitation tell him that if he doesn't want to come that he should 4get about it.

How to get a Nigerian man to marry you.

 

Lol. Hillarious. 

How to get a Nigerian man to marry you

Getting a Nigerian man to marry you is the easiest thing in the world. This is your chance to stop being single and get a-mingling.These easy steps will get you married, bedded, bare foot and pregnant in less than a year, guaranteed or your money back.

-- Be very religious. Nigerian men loveeeee them some religious girls. you don't actually have to be, you just have to pretend that you are. talk about the night vigils you go to every now and then. slip in some Bible passages in random conversations even when they don't fit in. Give him a Bible for his birthday. call him randomly for "morning prayers". a Nigerian man will marry a woman who appears to be religious. fake it till you get that ring baby girl.

Happy sunday, Happy Mother's day!!!

Read this story, check it out here.

Hilarious, but true. If we really wanna be truthful to ourselves, that's it. Dont wanna say much about it, just check it out, promise you, it'll get u cracking up. Happy Sunday. 

Btw, I heard today is mother's day........again???? Tot it has been celebrated two times already this year??? Well, a thousand days is not enough to celebrate our mothers, so, every time we get the opportunity, lets say a big Thank you to them, for the unmeasurable love they've shown to us.My Mummy, once again, I say, thank you, I love you, I would never have wished for someone better, I appreciate all you've done for me, whatever I am today, u are a major part of it, after God's grace, I owe it all to you. Thanks Mum. Happy Mothers Day!!!

Dear readers.....

I got married 4 months ago, I'm tired of this marriage, I may need court order to divorce by next month if things are still same. Before we got married 4 months ago, we court/dated for 18 months which I believe is enough for both of us to study ourselves to know our do and don't. Within this 18 months she spent one and half month in my house house under same roof. We live like couple for this period, she was an angel, her ways and mode of doing things were so unique that I even hasting things up for the wedding, but since the very day of wedding she has turned something else To start with, she doesn't listen to me, before I say one thing she would have say four. She doesn't listening to correction, she nag always, even when she is wrong she won't listen to correction, she believe that all what she do or say is right. Our sex life is nothing to talk about, we had sex just 6 times since we got married, she is not always in the mood, our honey moon lasted for 1 week and we had sex just once through out the honey moon. I'm badly starve, I'm a guy that derive much pleasure in sex but she is not always in The mood, I have promised my self from the beginning of my life to stay off extra marital affairs, I'm a very gentle person, a merry maker, who want the people around him to be always happy, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't have girlfriend,i believe in faithfulness,but this woman is about bringing out the animal in me. Please I need advise from you guys, what should I do because if things continue this way, by next month I may have to divorce her.

What do y'all think 'bout this?

Happy weekend peeps!!!

What do u think of guys keeping condoms in their wallet?

Assuming, u have a steady boyfriend, and u choose to be faithful, and so u see no need to use a condom with him, flesh to flesh is always sweeter u know!!! Then, a day came, and you had a reason to go through his wallet and you see a condom. What will you do, and how will you feel?

Whats the general perception of a guy with a condom in his wallet??? Lets debate about this, as we have a fun filled weekend!!!! 

Joke of the day!!!

Mr and Mrs Akpors at a zoo walk past a gorilla enclosure.

Mrs Akpors: Sweetheart, do u know that gorillas are the only animals that behave like men? Look.

(seeing that no one is watching, she exposes one of her sweet breasts)

Sure enough, the gorilla gets excited & grabs the bars of  d enclosure as if it wanted to break free.

Mrs Akpors: See, now I know why u react the way u do; men can't control their instincts just like gorillas can't...Men & gorillas are the same.

Mr Akpors: Wow.. now expose both breast & see what happens.

(So she exposes both breasts to d gorilla & it gets very excited dat it want to escape from d enclosure)

Mr Akpors: dis is incredible, now pull ur skirt up, turn around, expose ur bum & let's see wat happens.

(d woman did exactly & dis time, d gorilla breaks free from d enclosure, grabs Mrs Akpors and starts yanking her clothes off)

Mrs Akpors[yells]: Dear........wat do I do now? Please help me!

Mr Akpors: Now, tell him you're in ur period, u av a headache or you're not in mood, and let's see if Gorillas and Men are really d same.